


all i want is nothing more

by thekardemomme



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Breaking Up & Making Up, Established Relationship, Letters, M/M, Post-Break Up, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-01 22:57:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19186975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekardemomme/pseuds/thekardemomme
Summary: 5 messages Eliott sent after the breakup.+1 Lucas sent in response.





	all i want is nothing more

**Author's Note:**

> when you said your last goodbye  
> i died a little bit inside  
> i lay in tears in bed all night  
> alone without you by my side  
> but if you loved me  
> why’d you leave me  
> take my body  
> take my body

**1.**

_Dear Lucas,_

_I’m sorry if this is hard to read, my hands are shaking really bad. I probably shouldn’t be telling you that. It’s like emotional manipulation or something, isn’t it? I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve been saying that a lot lately. I should probably say it more. I really am sorry, Lucas. I’m sorry that I let things get so bad. I’m sorry that I didn’t notice you were struggling. I’m sorry that I let you walk away. That’s my biggest regret, I think. I never thought I’d let you walk away and not immediately run after you. I should’ve. I wanted to. Every bone and cell in my body wanted to take off after you, Lucas. I don’t know why I didn’t. I guess I just felt like I needed to give you the space that you asked for, because you have the right to that. You still do. It’s just that it’s been over a week now and I haven’t heard from you, and I’m worried. Maybe that’s emotional manipulation, too. I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t want this to be over, Lucas. I know I didn’t chase you when I should’ve, I know I wasn’t there for you enough, I know you said you needed time. And I’ll give you more time if you need it, I just… I just need to hear from you. I would’ve called or texted, but mika told me not to. I hope that writing this doesn’t cross some sort of line. I’m sorry if it does. I just miss you._

_Love,_

_Eliott_

**2.**

_Lucas,_

_This is getting fucked up now. It’s been a month, Lucas, what the fuck? I’m so fucking angry at you. You go completely ghost on me, and you just think that’s okay?! I know that we fought, okay, I know that we said some things we didn’t mean. But you can’t just do this. You can’t just break up with me and never speak to me again. That’s not fucking fair. I’m going fucking crazy without you and you think it’s just fine to act like you’re never going to speak to me again?! You know what, I hope that works out. I hope I never have to speak to you again. I hate you. I wish we’d never even met. If we’d never met, I’d still be with Lucille living some bullshit life and pretending to be happy, but even that is better than this. I’d rather be playing house with her than doing this bullshit with you. Fuck you, Lucas. This is something your father would do. All the times you talked shit about how he walked out on you, and now you’re doing the same thing? Walking away without so much of a goodbye? You’re a coward, Lucas. A fucking coward._

_Eliott_

**3.**

_Dear Lucas,_

_I’m so fucking sorry about the last email. I can’t believe the shitty things I wrote in that. I was just so angry… It’s no excuse. I hope you can forgive me, because I still want to work this out with you. I know we can figure out where we went wrong, and how to fix it. You’re the only person who’s ever made me happy. When I’m with you, everything just feels right. I know that you’re who I’m meant to be with forever. My soulmate. And I know things got fucked up, and I know they still are, but we can fix it baby. I know we can. Because we were made for each other, we’re here to save each other. We’ve done it before and we can do it again. I don’t want to give up on this, Lucas. I can’t. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, and I don’t want to love anyone else. I know you feel the same. Please, just give me another chance. Let me prove to you just how serious about you I am. Let me prove that we can fix this. I just want to see you again. I want to show you how good it can be, just like it used to. I miss you so much, Lucas, I don’t want to miss you anymore. Please. I know you think about this stuff, too. Just one more chance. I’ll do anything, you know that. I’d do anything for you. Please._

_Love,_

_Eliott_

**4.**

_Dear Lucas,_

_I can’t sleep tonight. Usually, when I can’t sleep, you lay with me and watch Disney movies until we both doze off. I put on Pocahontas twenty minutes ago but I haven’t been watching it. I muted it, actually. It’s just not the same without you here. Nothing is the same without you here. I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I know you weren’t happy with me anymore, okay? I get it. And all I want for you is to be happy, and I’m sorry I couldn’t give that to you. But I want you to know I love you so much, more than I ever thought was possible. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. And I’m so fucking sorry that I screwed everything up. I should’ve known I would. I ruin everything that I touch. I knew from the beginning that you deserved better, and it was selfish of me to pursue you when I knew I’d only end up hurting you. You didn’t deserve that. You deserve the world, Lucas. I tried so hard to give it to you but I just don’t think I’m good enough. You’ll find someone who is, though. You’ll find someone who’s worthy of you. It’s okay that I’m not that person. It fucking hurts, everyday it absolutely destroys me, but I want you to be happy. Even though I miss you with every fiber of my being and all I want is for you to be next to me. Even though I want to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I’m sorry I hurt you, and I’m sorry I ruined everything. Part of me wishes you’d never met me. Your life would be so much better, and brighter. You deserve that. I’m so fucking sorry. I understand if you hate me. (Please don’t hate me. I can barely breathe around your silence, and your hatred would crush me beyond recovery.) I love you so much._

_Love,_

_Eliott_

**5.**

_Dear Lucas,_

_This will be the last time I contact you, I promise. I don’t know if you’re reading these, but if you do, I want you to know this: I don’t regret a single minute of our relationship. Not even the bad parts. Because everything we had shaped me into who I am. You made me a better person, Lucas. You made me the person I’ve always wanted to be. You showed me just how much love exists in the world, and I don’t know how to thank you for that. I love you more than words can say, and as sorry as I am about how things turned out, and as much as I miss you, I wouldn’t change a single thing. I’m sorry things didn’t work out, and I wish you the best in the future. Seriously, you deserve it. You deserve everything. And I know it doesn't mean much, but I’m still just as hopelessly in love with you today as I was when we first met. I’m sorry if that crosses a line… Though it’s true. You’re the love of my life, Lucas. But it’s okay that I’m not yours. I hope you find the love of your life. It’s the greatest feeling in the world._

_Love,_

_Eliott Demaury_

**+1**

_Dear Eliott,_

_I’m sorry it took me so long to respond to your emails. Truth be told, I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t want to hurt you or myself further. You deserved better than the treatment I’ve given you recently. I’m really sorry for that. I cried over these messages a lot, though, and I want you to know that. I want you to know how I sobbed and lost sleep over your words; not because I want you to hurt, but because I want you to know how much I love you. You’re wrong, Eliott. About a lot of things. You’re wrong when you say that you ruin everything you touch, because you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You’re wrong when you say that, if we’d never met, you’d still be with Lucille. You wouldn’t be. You’d find your happiness, one way or the other. You’re strong and courageous like that. You’re wrong when you say that you don’t deserve me. You do. We deserve each other. And you’re especially wrong when you say that you’re not the love of my life. You are. You’re my soulmate, the love of my life, the person I want nothing more than to spend everyday next to. I’m sorry I left your side for so long. I don’t ever want to do that again. And I understand if it’s too late, and if I broke you too much for you to forgive. But I want to fix this. I want to at least try._

_Coffee tomorrow?_

_I love you,_

_Lucas Lallemant_

**Author's Note:**

> title from all i want by kodaline
> 
> also you might’ve noticed eliott’s messages follow the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
> 
> sorry if it sucks rip. all mistakes are mine and also it’s 3:45am oop
> 
> find me on tumblr @elullemant


End file.
